| 6/12/08:
Game For A Laugh ZP this week is Mirror's Edge, just in case there's
anyone left out there who might experience brain
damage and want to buy it.
Next Friday (the
12th) I'm taking part in a talk as part of the
Game On exhibition once again, who have now moved
up to Brisbane, my city of residence. I and Yug
and Matt will be talking from around 6:30 on
games, game reviewing, and the difficulty of
keeping our breath minty fresh. It's at the State
Library of Queensland, and I can't seem to find a
website that confirms what I'm saying, but we
will nonetheless be there. Come and check it out,
as long as there aren't 300 of you or something.
Game
Damage will be out 'soon'. It's
complicated.
-Yahtzee
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29/11/08:
Damaged Goods
Again, sorry for
the lack of updates lately but I'm still being
jollied around by my connection at home and I can
only update this site from someone else's
internet for some reason. Maybe my home internet
pipes got clogged somehow. Anyway, a few pieces
of housekeeping to get through. The last few ZP
reviews: Fable 2, Fallout 3 and Guitar Hero World Tour. In summary: lame,
alright, and alright.
There's also the
matter that ScrewAttack is holding nominations
for the... ugh... 'Gaming's 1337' awards, and you
can nominate any reviewer and game-related
website you fancy, so obviously I'd fancy that
you nominate me. Just go to this site and fill in 'Yahtzee
Croshaw' for Best Reviewer and http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation for the appropriate URL.
You can nominate once a day if you feel like
cheating on my behalf.
And while you're
there, why not nominate the Escapist for best
Gaming Website? That should put me back in their
good graces after things I may or may not have
said on the eGames main stage.
Linking on from
that, I should also mention that Game
Damage
Game
Damage
GAME DAMAGE
is on the verge
of splashing itself all over the internet's face,
with the pilot - of which I assure you we are all
very proud - probably going to be released
sometime next week. In the meantime head on over
to the site as it currently stands.
There's a forum set up already so feel free to
sign up and embarrass yourself with baseless
assumptions about what exactly we're going to
dump on you. God knows we could use some people
other than Australian Gamer forum members
posting.
-Yahtzee
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8/11/08:
Roll Up Roll Up
THRILL! To
the freakish and spectacular displays of Yahtzee,
the world's most overpaid person of indeterminate
role in the games industry!
SEE! His
Zero Punctuation review of Dead Space, in which Yahtzee picks
apart every slightest flaw while falling from a
high trapeze into a bucket of milk!
HEAR! His
latest podcast collaboration with Australian Gamer, in which he wrestles
with the world record for most contextual
references to female genitalia!
FEEL! The
smugness wafting through the air when he appears
at the Melbourne EGames Expo next weekend as special
guest! SCREAM as he courageously
hosts the Gaming Trivia Quiz while balancing
babies on a wolverine (baby volunteers needed)!
DON'T
MISS THIS NEVERENDING CAVALCADE OF ONE MAN WITH
TOO MUCH TIME AND MONEY!
In all
seriousness, do come along to EGames next week,
it's good to get involved with your games
industry. Anyone who shows up to the quiz I'm
hosting has the chance of winning REAL ACTUAL
PRIZES. It's from 4:45 on the Saturday (November
15th) but I'll probably have nothing better to do
than hang around the stage all weekend anyway.
There's also
going to be a special sneak preview of Game
Damage (try to imagine that being said
in a booming, messianic voice). It's a little
project me and the usual chums have been working
on and we like to think it's not completely
horrible. Come one, come all.
-Yahtzee
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1/11/08:
Merry UnChristmas
Sorry about the
infrequent updates of late, my new home network
seems to be having a disagreement with my FTP and
I'm having to update my site via other people's
internet connections, preferably without them
finding out. Last two reviews were the much
anticipated Silent Hill Homecoming and the surprisingly
non-horrible Saints Row 2.
It really is
insane how many big-name titles are being
released in October and November this year,
rather than the traditional December
pre-Christmas glut. Best guess is that the
economic crisis made publishers nervous and they
couldn't wait any longer to feel the warm kiss of
money rubbed lovingly upon their fat apple
cheeks.
-Yahtzee
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16/10/08:
Me Me Me Me Me
ZP this week is STALKER: Clear Sky. What fun we're having.
This week I've
also been expanding my media empire. Firstly,
there's an op-ed piece by me up at news.com.au
concerning Silent Hill and the censorship issue.
Wow, it's almost like I'm a real journalist all
of a sudden. Here's a sample:
If you try
to oppose changes such as these you have to argue
that gore is essential to the intended
experience, which isn't the case and makes you
come across as slightly psychotic. Let the
censors have their petty moment of fuss – I
hope their victory feels satisfying from their
little temple of total bloody irrelevance on the
moon.
Here's the full article.
My second
mainstream media appearance of the week is an
appearance in Marcus Westbury's interesting
documentary series Not Quite Art, in which he examines
the new frontiers of culture and its pioneers.
Marcus was in Melbourne for my last ACMI
appearance and we shot a bit of a segment.
Anyway, the show was finally broadcast on the ABC
(that's the Australian ABC, not the other, fatter
one) the other night, and it's online at the
above-linked website for all to see.
Direct download:
MP4 / WMV
My bit's from
around the nine minute mark. You can tell because
an incredibly un-photogenic thing will be on
screen sounding like a douchebag.
-Yahtzee
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10/10/08:
Agqwjbfjasc
Oh right, shit,
there's this website I update sometimes. Last
three videos in order were the XBLA double bill, Mercenaries 2, and Star Wars: The Force
Unleashed.
Though anyone who still comes here for their ZP
reminders are probably weird.
Thanks to
everyone who keeps sending me helpful reminders
on what games I should review. Somehow the fact
that Silent Hill 5 had come out slipped by me
because I'm a video game media professional and
as such are too busy... hang on, let me just look
up what a video game media professional does.
(rustle rustle) What? Knows things about video
games? Well slap my granny, I guess I must have
known about Silent Hill 5 all along. FUCK.
FUUUUUUCK.
-Yahtzee
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19/9/08:
Balls E
Last two videos
were Too Human and Spore. People were asking me
why I didn't mention the DRM fiasco with Spore.
Truth be told, I didn't actually know about this
until someone told me the other day. I guess that
goes to show just how hugely significant it is to
the actual game experience.
Incidentally, I
was dragged to see Wall-E last night. Now,
objective quality of that film and possible
anti-corporate agenda aside, here's a small plot
synopsis:
One or more
lovable protagonists have existed for some time
in a stable but fundamentally flawed routine,
which is shaken up by the introduction of a
foreign entity, usually another character, around
whom attitudes are initially hostile. Attempts to
deal with this character eventually lead to the
protagonist(s) discovering a new, unfamiliar
world, and in doing so discover the nature of the
fundamental flaw in their routine. Villains are
usually introduced or only become truly
villainous from around the mid-point or quite
late into the film. Along the way the heroes
enlist the help of various lesser characters with
clearly definable quirks and at one point
reluctantly enter a high-speed chase. The villain
is generally finally defeated with surprising
ease, and everything concludes in an emotionally
manipulative ending in which routine is restored
with the fundamental flaw excised.
Now, consider
how many Pixar movies that could be describing.
Consider it, me bitches.
Yahtzee
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6/9/08:
Surprise! Another update
Funny I should
have mentioned horrible webcomics the other day,
because my girlfriend discovered recently that
she could imitate the style of Ctrl+Alt+Del with
amazing accuracy, and while she treated this
discovery with a due sense of horror and
disappointment I took the opportunity to ask her
to do a comic I could write the dialog for. So
here it is. We're both very, very sorry.
(click for big)
Also, I did another podcast with Yug and Matt for Australian Gamer the other night. And
another one the week before, actually, but we
were very drunk.
Yahtzee
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4/9/08:
The Fortnightly Update
Braid was last week, this week's ZP is Eve Online. Predictably enough the
humanoids who are really into Eve have been on at
me, stating that Eve only becomes a fun game once
you get involved with the corporations set up by
other players. In response, I might ask those
people "Why are you paying the developers 15
dollars a month to do their job for them?"
You know what I
hate about the internet? You can't take back
anything you put on it. I'm usually content to
let my older, terrible stuff exist because I
would hope that people understand that I was
young and still learning, and that you have to
get the bad stuff out of your system if you ever
hope to improve. But I've been noticing around
the place that some people tend to think the very
fact that something is on the internet implies
that its author totally thinks it's still worth
two tugs of a dead dog's cock.
So, just to be
on the safe side, I totally disown every
webcomic I have ever made (excepting ZP
if you count it as a webcomic, which it seems
Wikipedia does). From any standards they are
universally dreadful. Anyone who says otherwise
should be disregarded because, as the creator, my
opinion outranks theirs. And while we're on the
subject, all the games I made before Odysseus
Kent were badly drawn and clumsily written. And
if anyone happens to know where to find any
fiction I wrote before the age of 20, please
throw it into the nearest convenient natural
disaster.
Yahtzee
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21/8/08:
Hope Floats
So this week's
review was Soul Calibur IV, a predominantly
multiplayer console game, so obviously I forced
it to live up to the single player experience and
hated it. But hey, I did play some rounds against
my roommate and spamming throws seemed to work
alright there, too.
Oh yeah, and
last week was a retrospective on the Prince of Persia series. Guess you'd be
better off going to the Escapist for regular ZP
updates, hm? And why not click on some ads while
you're there.
Anyway, it's
been a while since I threw a bone to my own
website, so I uploaded an old short story I wrote ages ago and
didn't do anything with. I had to trim it and
edit it a fair bit before I didn't hate every
bloody word, so it's not like I'm avoiding work
or anything. Here's a sample:
Over the
next few months, that sub sandwich earned a sort
of legendary status aboard the Endeavour as the
lunchtime snack that destroyed us all. For one or
two days before the end, a couple of people had
even started using ‘sandwich’ as a
curse word. As in, “Oh sandwich, we’re
all going to die.”
It's called The
Hopeless Endeavour. Don't worry, it's
not based on any existing characters of mine. Check it out.
Yahtzee
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10/8/08:
Ninja Something
Ninja Gaiden 2 was the last ZP review
and oh bloody bleeding christ (probably shouldn't
click that link if you're reading this at work,
slacker). To the sweating entity who drew this,
it's nice to know I can inspire you, but I'm
depressed about my cultural legacy as it is.
Besides, they make you wear tiny little thongs in
Age of Conan if you take your pants off.
Yahtzee
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1/8/08:
You Can Never Go Home
ZP last week was
Age of Conan, and this week it's a rundown of trailers that came out of E3 in
an attempt to stamp on the embers of what little
excitement the lacklustre event managed to
create.
You know, being
new to this whole 'fame' business I'm surprised
by how many things I can't do anymore. For
example, if I'm browsing forums and I read an
interesting thread that isn't something to do
with me, if I post an incidental comment about
whatever the subject is then the thread
immediately derails into people going 'make a
video about it' or other examples of priceless
wit. I used to be one of the guys, you know. I
used to be another faceless contributor in a wall
of opinion. I miss those days.
Of course, the
obvious solution is to re-register with a
different username. Of course this doesn't help
if your favourite forum is one that require a
credit card payment to register, and if you don't
have a credit card, and you got your last account
with a gift certificate, and if you're an English
ex-patriate called me.
But the thought
did cause me to wonder about the people behind
the thousands of faceless names you interact with
on a daily basis on the internet, because it
seems any famous person will obviously use a
false name and deny their true identity for the
same reasons that I would. And then somehow I
managed to convince myself that everyone on the
internet besides me is Bruce Willis, but that was
around the point that I noticed a stain on my
wall that looked like a dog's head, and I had to
start thinking about that instead.
Yahtzee
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19/7/08:
Pee Three
All my Escapist
pals have buggered off to E3, scarcely sparing
the time to put up my Alone in the Dark review before swanning
off to watch Sony talk about how much money they
make and view exclusive previews of the next
generation reboot of ET for the Atari 2600. I've
been left all alone in my little Brisbane flat to
sullenly watch the videos as they come online,
but that didn't keep me from joining Yug and Matt for a podcast on the subject.
Anyway, if
anyone reading this hasn't seen the Dark Knight
yet, you officially aren't allowed on the
internet until you rectify that. I think I should
give it a few months and maybe watch it again on
DVD before giving a definitive opinion, because
being a massive cynic I'm immediately suspicious
of any film that appears on the surface to be
absolutely fucking legendary.
Yahtzee
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